Tender Ears
DAVE DECHRISTOPHER

characters

Athena, stern goddess of wisdom 

Apollo, carefree god of music and poetry

Poseidon, benign god of the sea

Uranus, debauched grandfather of Zeus
 

(Apollo and Athena are standing across from each other at a round table, perhaps at an outdoor cafe.)

 

APOLLO

Thank you for taking the time to see me.

 

ATHENA

Of course, my brother. (They execute an elaborate, secret handshake greeting, and sit.) How can I help?

 

APOLLO

It’s Uranus. (Yer-A-nus)

 

ATHENA

Excuse me…?

 

APOLLO

What?

 

ATHENA

Who told you about that?!

 

APOLLO

About what?

 

ATHENA

Was it Hera? Mama (Ma-MA) loves to gossip and seems to find out about everything. Her spies are ubiquitous.

 

APOLLO

I don’t under--…I’m talking about our grandpa, Uranus. (Yer-A-nus)

 

ATHENA

Oh. 

 

APOLLO

What did you think—

 

ATHENA

Nothing. NOTHING! Nothing at all.

 

APOLLO

Wait. (He laughs.) Are you having a problem with—

 

ATHENA

No; shut up!! What about Grandpa Uranus? (YOUR-an-us)

 

APOLLO

What? YOUR-an-us…?

 

ATHENA

Didn’t you get the official memorandum from Papa? (Pa-PA) It’s a big national undertaking. We are sanitizing our language, for the collective mental health, and for posterity.

 

APOLLO

(Cynically) For the children?

​

ATHENA

It’s all about the children.

 

APOLLO

Always.

 

ATHENA

Always, yes.

 

APOLLO

I understood about 10 percent of what you just said. Are you having a problem with your—

 

ATHENA

(Putting up a forceful hand.) Drop it. 

 

APOLLO

Sorry; no problem.

 

ATHENA

Grandpa is now called Uranus. (YOUR-an-us) Now, what about him?

 

APOLLO

Okay. His behavior is becoming more and more erratic. Ever since he was diagnosed with dementia—

 

ATHENA

De-men-TEE-a.

 

APOLLO

What?

 

ATHENA

We pronounce it de-men-TEE-a now. Dementia sounds too close to demented, which can make people who are afflicted with it feel stigmatized…and can make them more upset. 

 

APOLLO

More demented?

 

ATHENA

It can make them behave in a more demented manner, which is not the same thing.

 

APOLLO

Really?

 

ATHENA

Do you want me to draw you a diagram?

 

APOLLO

I think I got it. Very wise.

 

ATHENA

I am the goddess of wisdom.

 

(Poseidon enters, eating a gyro.)

 

APOLLO

Hey, brother! Over here! Pull up a chair.

 

POSEIDON

Thank you. 

 

(Poseidon puts gyro on table, gets a chair and, after they execute the secret handshake again, sits.)

 

Athena (ATH-en-a); you’re looking well. How’s your anus been lately?

 

ATHENA

(Tight-lipped.) Fine.

 

POSEIDON

And Apollo (AP-o-lo), haven’t seen you since the summer solstice.

 

APOLLO

It’s been a very busy time. (To Athena.) You didn’t tell me about that.

 

ATHENA

About what?

 

APOLLO

How does he know about the memorandum while I don’t?

 

ATHENA

I’d say that’s on you. Don’t you read Pa-PA’s correspondence?

 

APOLLO

Religiously.

 

ATHENA

I don’t believe you.

 

POSEIDON 

(Sitting down.) Zeus knows best.

 

APOLLO

Yes, he does. How do we pronounce your name now?

 

POSEIDON & ATHENA

PO-sed-on. 

 

APOLLO

(Leaning in.) Again.

 

ATHENA

PO-sed-on.

 

APOLLO

Sounds a little bit like a dinosaur. 

 

POSEIDON

Doesn’t it though? (Wrestling announcer’s voice.) The undisputed leader of an undersea kingdom. Master of sirens and naiads; king of the crazed Kraken; undisputed overlord of the dreaded Scylla (SIGH-la) and Charybdis (Car-RIB-dees).

 

APOLLO

Wait; that can’t be right.

 

ATHENA

What? 

 

APOLLO

SIGH-la? That sounds ridiculous.

 

ATHENA

Well…SILL-a sounds like eyelashes.

 

APOLLO

And Car-RIB-dees sounds like a restaurant.

 

ATHENA

Nevertheless, those are the correct, original pronunciations. They were not even changed by Zeus; right, POS-e-don?

 

POSEIDON 

Right; right. If you say so…you’re wise.

 

ATHENA

(To Apollo) How would you pronounce Car-RIB-dees?

 

APOLLO

Char-RIB-dis.

 

ATHENA

Really?

 

APOLLO ATHENA

      Char-RIB-dis. And that doesn’t sound like a restaurant?

 

APOLLO

Never mind. Zeus knows best; Zeus knows best.

 

ATHENA

He does.

 

APOLLO

I just said he did.

 

POSEIDON

Why are you getting so hot?

 

APOLLO

It’s in my nature…I guess.

 

POSEIDON

How about a glass of cool, refreshing lemonade? Made with fresh water from the sea?

 

APOLLO

No thank you.

 

POSEIDON

Suit yourself.
 

APOLLO

What other words are we sanitizing…for posterity?

 

POSEIDON

And the children, remember.
 

ATHENA

(To Apollo.) I don’t think I like your tone.

 

APOLLO

My tone? What about his tone?

 

POSEIDON

Oh, cut Apollo a break; can’t you see how passionate he is?

 

ATHENA

Yes, I’m sorry; I see that. Wisdom is such a burden. It’s made me a bit par-ON-oid.

 

APOLLO

Appa-RENT-ly.

 

ATHENA

Now what did you ask--…oh, yes, Pa-PA has focused on disease and carnal relations, in his pronunciation reclamation project. 

 

POSEIDON

“Get down with PRP. Yeah, you know me…”

 

ATHENA

Reducing the stigma of illness, and the coarseness of public discourse, if you will.

 

POSEIDON

Oh, I will.

 

ATHENA

Let’s see…Syf-FILL-is, die-ARE-e-ah, air-PEZ—

 

APOLLO

What?

 

POSEIDON

(Whispering to Apollo.) It’s herpes. 

 

APOLLO

Oh.

 

ATHENA

I heard that.

 

APOLLO

(Laughing.) Oh; and is Hermes going to change his name to air-MEZ?

 

(Athena stares at him…for a looooooooong time.)

 

Really?

 

ATHENA

Actually, it’s air-MES, not air-MEZ.

 

POSEIDON

Air-MEZ sounds stupid.

 

APOLLO

No argument here. What else?

 

ATHENA

De-FEC-ate.

 

APOLLO

That’s not an illness.

 

ATHENA

But it is coarse. 

 

APOLLO

Coarser than shit?

 

POSEIDON

(Seriously considers this.) No.

 

APOLLO

Coarser than poop?
 

POSEIDON

A little bit. I think poop is juicier. 

 

APOLLO

I get that.

 

ATHENA

Enough!! 

 

POSEIDON

(After a beat.) Right; that’s enough.

 

ATHENA

Zeus has spoken.

 

APOLLO

Zeus knows best.

 

POSEIDON

(Whispering to Apollo.) She’s just short-tempered because of her anus.

 

APOLLO

Shhh. (To Athena.) What about the new pronunciations of the sexual words? What are they?

 

ATHENA

Uhhhh…(She pulls out a steno pad and looks through it.)

 

APOLLO

Gee; I thought they’d be on the tip of your tongue.​

 

POSEIDON

(Suppressing laughter.) me, too.

 

ATHENA

(Reading.)  gen-KNEE-tals, PEN-is, fell-a-TEE-o—

 

POSEIDON

Ti-TEES.

 

ATHENA

Right; ti-TEES.

 

POSEIDON

I like ti-TEES.

 

APOLLO

Me too.

 

ATHENA

Sloot—

 

APOLLO

Sloot? What’s a sloot?

 

POSEIDON

You know…somebody who sleeps around. (Whispering.) Like Aphrodite.

 

ATHENA

Or Grandpa YOUR-an-us. A sloot can be a man as well. Don’t be a misogynist.

 

POSEIDON

Finish the list, finish the list.

 

ATHENA

Uhhh…pooh-SEE. Baa-STARRED. Tes-TEE-culls. 

 

POSEIDON

Doom-BASS. I like that one; it sounds like it about fishing.

 

APOLLO

Or music.

 

POSEIDON

You think?

 

ATHENA

I believe that’s the whole list.

 

(Pause. All think hard, trying to remember more dirty words.

 

Uranus, muttering in a doddery fashion, crosses the stage. The others watch. Wide-eyed.)

 

URANUS

Gen-KNEE-tals, PEN-is, TITTIES! (He laughs.) 

Fell-a-TEE-o, pooh-SEE, TITTIES. (He laughs.) 

Bas-STARRED, tes-TEE-culls, TITTIES! (He laughs.) 

TITTIES, TITTIES, TITTIES!

 

(He is gone. Pause.)

 

POSEIDON

He does seem pretty far gone.

 

APOLLO

It’s dem-en-TEE-a, I’m told.

 

ATHENA

Yes, that was the whole list, I’m fairly sure. You know, AP-o-lo, you could get in touch with pa-PA yourself if you wanted a hard copy of the list of words.

 

POSEIDON

Or talk to one of the demigods; they’re not so imperious. 

 

APOLLO

Well, I’m hungry. 

 

ATHENA

I do feel a little puckish.

 

APOLLO

What’s that you were eating, P? Looked pretty good. 

 

POSEIDON

It’s a JEER-o

 

APOLLO

You mean GUY-ro.

 

ATHENA

It’s actually YEAR-o

 

POSEIDON & APOLLO

Whatever.

 

Blackout​

 

End of play