Characters

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Henri, A French Invader 

Bert, A Brit 

Oliver, A Brit 

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Setting: The English Shore, A Long Time Ago 

 

“Each new generation is a fresh invasion of savages.” 

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~ Hervey Allen 

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Summary 

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Henri has arrived on the shores of England ready to invade. He encounters two locals who doubt his campaign. Soon, the three become friendly despite Henri’s objections when the rest of his army fails to materialize. 

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(BERT and OLIVER are seated on a bench eating hen. HENRI runs on stage brandishing a sword. He stops when he sees there is nobody around aside from these two men sitting on a bench. He puts down the sword. He looks around. He starts to say something to the two men. He stops himself. He walks closer to them.) 

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HENRI 

Pardon me, but-- 

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BERT 

It’s not Tuesday. 

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HENRI 

I am sorry? 

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BERT 

If you’re here because you think it’s Tuesday, it’s not. It’s not Tuesday. 

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OLIVER 

Hasn’t been Tuesday for a while now. 

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BERT 

Might never be Tuesday again. 

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HENRI 

Pardon, but I am here to invade your country. 

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BERT 

What’s that now? 

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HENRI 

I am an invader. 

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OLIVER 

You are? 

 

HENRI 

Oui. 

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BERT 

We who? I only see you. 

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HENRI 

Oui as in oui. As in ‘Yes.’ I am French, you see. 

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OLIVER 

Are we at war with France? 

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HENRI 

I believe so, yes. 

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BERT 

Mmmm I don’t think so, chap. 

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HENRI 

My name is Henri. 

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BERT 

In that case, I don’t think so, Henry. The French are our friends. 

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HENRI 

But this is a surprise attack. 

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OLIVER 

Well, we’re certainly surprised. 

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HENRI 

I am here to conquer your land. 

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BERT 

Not to be rude, chap, but--you and who else? 

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HENRI 

There were supposed to be quite a lot of us. We were expecting to come upon an army stationed here near the water. Is there an army nearby? 

 

OLIVER 

Oh no, they’re long gone. 

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HENRI 

When did they leave? 

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BERT/OLIVER 

Tuesday. 

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HENRI 

And when will they be back? 

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BERT/OLIVER 

No way to know./Probably never. 

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HENRI 

But my battalion is arriving. 

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BERT 

When? 

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HENRI 

Any moment now. 

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(A moment passes.) 

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BERT 

You think so, do you? 

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HENRI 

They must be a bit tardy. 

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OLIVER 

Can’t be tardy if you’re going to invade a country. 

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HENRI 

I agree. That is why I am on time. 

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BERT 

But no point in being on time if nobody else is. 

 

HENRI 

I shall refer them for discipline once the invasion is over. 

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BERT 

I don’t know, chap. Seems like it’s already over. 

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OLIVER 

Would you like some hen? 

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BERT 

Don’t go around giving away our hen. 

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OLIVER 

But we’ve got plenty of it. 

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HENRI 

I don’t eat before a battle. 

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BERT 

How long before it do you stop eating? 

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HENRI 

An hour or so. 

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BERT 

I’d say you’re fine. Have a seat. 

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(BERT moves down. HENRI, against his better judgment, sits.) 

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HENRI 

Merci. 

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BERT 

No mercy required, Henry, just some good old-fashioned hospitality. 

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HENRI 

You should not be hospitable to the man who is going to take over your country with violence and terror. 

 

OLIVER 

Oh, is that the plan? Violence and terror? 

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HENRI 

Yes. 

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OLIVER 

We haven’t had any good violence for years now. 

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BERT 

No terror either. 

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OLIVER 

Barely any terror. 

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HENRI 

When was the last time you were invaded? 

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BERT 

Oh, it’s been at least a decade. Remember that last invasion, Oliver? 

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OLIVER 

The fellow from Portugal. Smart man. 

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BERT 

Very smart. Smelled nice too. 

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OLIVER 

He had the most wonderful scent, didn’t he? 

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BERT 

He absolutely did. 

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HENRI 

What happened to him? 

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BERT 

Oh, they beheaded him and stuck his skull on a pike. 

 

OLIVER 

Let everybody have a look. Quite the circus. 

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HENRI 

He must not have been a very good invader. 

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BERT 

Oh, he was very talented at invasions. It’s just that it’s terribly difficult to invade Britain. We’re a very tough country, you know. 

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HENRI 

That may be true, but you will be no match for me and my battalion. 

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OLIVER 

You know, Henri, I wouldn’t keep talking about a battalion until you actually have one standing behind you. 

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HENRI 

They will be here any moment now. 

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(A moment passes.) 

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BERT 

Anyway, before the Portuguese fellow, there was that lad from Greece. 

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HENRI 

How did he do? 

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OLIVER 

Head on pike. 

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HENRI 

Mon dieu. 

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BERT 

Before him was the Russian. 

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HENRI 

And? 

 

OLIVER 

Two pikes. He had a big head. 

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(HENRI stands up.) 

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HENRI 

Has anyone ever successfully invaded this country? 

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BERT 

Well, I’m sure someone lived here before the Brits, which means, technically speaking, the Brits have successfully invaded here. 

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OLIVER 

And a few other places, but we don’t need to talk about that. 

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BERT 

We don’t and we won’t. Just keeping it light for our new friend here. 

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HENRI 

I am not your friend. I am an invader. 

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OLIVER 

I don’t think you can be an invader all by yourself, Henry. You could maybe be an invasive species. 

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BERT 

Like a cactus or a little bird that eats worms it isn’t meant to eat. 

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OLIVER 

Why can’t it eat worms? 

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BERT 

Because maybe our worms don’t agree with it. 

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OLIVER 

A British worm agrees with everyone. 

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HENRI 

I am most certainly an invader. I am not a bird. 

 

BERT 

We can see you’re not a bird, chap. 

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OLIVER 

We were just speaking colorfully. 

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BERT 

That’s why we’re colorful locals. 

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OLIVER 

You’ve never heard that expression before? 

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BERT 

Speaking of birds, have some hen. 

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HENRI 

I do not want any hen. 

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OLIVER 

But you really should eat before they put your head on a pike. 

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HENRI 

My head is not going on a pike. 

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BERT 

Maybe not today. But by tomorrow, you’ll be looking out over the English countryside, wishing you could admire the view, but you won’t be able to, because you’ll be dead and all. It’ll be very sad, I’m afraid. 

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OLIVER 

Body thrown in the river. Hate to see it. You seem like a nice man, Henry. 

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BERT 

But they were all nice men, weren’t they? 

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OLIVER 

I didn’t care for the Belgium fellow. He was a bit loud. 

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HENRI 

I will be successful where others have failed. 

 

BERT 

The others had an army, chap. 

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OLIVER 

And they were well-fed. You sure you don’t want any-- 

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HENRI 

I will not eat your hen! 

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(A beat.) 

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BERT/OLIVER 

Well, if our hen isn’t good enough for you./Just trying to give you a little joy before you’re beheaded is all. 

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HENRI 

I must go back to my country and see what has happened to my battalion. 

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BERT 

Is it possible they were having a laugh? 

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OLIVER 

A little joke on you, maybe? 

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HENRI 

No, of course not. 

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BERT 

Do they like you, this battalion? 

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HENRI 

They are my charges. They do not need to like me. I am their leader. 

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BERT/OLIVER 

Oh, they hate you./They must really hate you. 

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HENRI 

No. No, I say! 

 

BERT 

I’d stay where I was if I were you, chap. Lay low. We won’t tell. 

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HENRI 

I cannot stay here unless I am confident I can conquer all. 

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OLIVER 

You can do that after we teach you how to have a British accent. 

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BERT 

And dress you in some British clothes. 

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HENRI 

Why would I want to-- 

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OLIVER 

Because you’re going to be British now, Henry. 

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BERT 

Let’s hope this turns out better than the last Henry. The Swedish one. Never could master the British walk. 

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HENRI 

But I am French. 

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OLIVER 

I don’t think French is working out for you. 

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BERT 

But don’t worry, we can help. 

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OLIVER 

Making people who aren’t British look and sound British is pretty much our specialty. 

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BERT 

Now, here. Have some hen. 

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(He offers it. HENRI thinks about it, and takes a bite. He likes it. He grins--slowly. BERT and OLIVER smile. Lights out.)