WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING (ANOTHER BODY)
NERO XAVIER

The author of this play has unfortunately passed away. In the time I knew Nero, their work and personality was nothing short of extraordinary, and 'What to Expect...'--- a play that vibrates with Nero's ambition and talent--- testifies to that. The Hominum team and I sends our deepest condolences to Nero’s loved ones; we know they are radiating in a beautiful, warm place.

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— Jaiden Geolingo

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[The setting: non-Euclidean geometry. The Body sits in a chair that doesn’t exist, made of
matter that refuses to collapse. Across from it, God takes shape—not a deity, but a formula.
God calls itself the Anthropic Principle.]

Body: [leaning forward, scowling] Why?

Anthropic Principle: [casually] Why what?

Body: [gesturing wildly] Why THIS? [points at chest, throat, groin] Why’d you make me like this?

Anthropic Principle: [shrugging] Felt like it.

Body: [slamming fists on the table] Felt like it?!

Anthropic Principle: [snorts] Okay, okay, fine. “Why?” Because you amuse me.

Body: [blinking, stunned silence] Amuse you? You’re telling me this body—[gestures wildly again,
almost knocking over a nonexistent glass of water]—was for your entertainment?

Anthropic Principle: [leans back, legs crossed] Oh, you misunderstand. Not just your body. All
bodies. I’m bored out here, kid. You’re basically a flesh sitcom.

Body: [mouth opening and closing like a fish] ...A sitcom.

Anthropic Principle: Yup. You know that weird little flippy bit in your throat that sometimes sends
water into your lungs and almost kills you? Comedy gold.

Body: [horrified] The epiglottis?!

Anthropic Principle: That’s the one. Love that guy. Put it in as a joke, honestly.

Body: [grits teeth] My body feels wrong.

Anthropic Principle: [interrupts] Feeling is irrelevant. Thermodynamic equilibrium does not
account for comfort.

Body: [snaps] Thermodynamic equilibrium doesn’t account for the fact that there are tits on my
body.

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Anthropic Principle: [clinical tone] Those are merely artifacts of your neural configuration. Your
perception is entangled with a construct that resists alteration. It’s your own doing.

Body: [voice rising] You’re saying it’s my fault?

Anthropic Principle: Fault is anthropocentric. I am not assigning blame. I am describing
mechanics.

Body: [laughs bitterly] Mechanics? You’re describing this—[claws at their own chest]—like it’s an
inert system. But it’s alive. It’s in revolt.

Anthropic Principle: [calmly] Revolt implies agency. Your body has none. It is governed by
biochemical imperatives. Chromosomal misalignment. Epigenetic drift. The anthropic principle
ensures your existence, but it does not guarantee compatibility with it.

Body: [leans forward, teeth bared] Then what’s the point of me? Of this body? Of any of it?

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[Silence]

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Body: [laughs sharply] Is this a joke?

Anthropic Principle: No.

Body: Then what the fuck is this?

Anthropic Principle: This is you.

Body: [spits blood onto the floor, which doesn’t absorb it] You think I don’t know that? I mean,
why am I this? Why am I trapped in a body that edits itself like a bad translation?

Anthropic Principle: [tilts its head, amused] Trapped? You misunderstand. The body is not a cage.
It is an answer.

Body: [snarling] To what question?

Anthropic Principle: Why there is something instead of nothing.

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[Pause]

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Anthropic Principle: [pauses, as if calculating] You exist because your existence validates the
conditions of the universe. Without you, there would be no observer to collapse the wavefunction.

Body: [slams the table, shouting] I don’t care about the wavefunction! I care about the fact that this body feels like a prison built by someone who’s never been inside a body!

Anthropic Principle: [unfazed] The prison analogy is inaccurate. The body is not containment. It is
scaffolding. A construct through which particles localize into identity.

Body: [voice shaking] Then why does the scaffolding feel like it’s trying to kill me? Is my suffering
inevitable?

Anthropic Principle: [smirking] Bingo. But hey, it’s not all bad. You get agency. That’s fun, right?

Body: [spits the word] Fun.

Anthropic Principle: Sure! You can reshape yourself. Modify the parameters. Rewrite the code. The universe is a sandbox, and you’re the player. Go nuts.

Body: [glaring] And if I fail?

Anthropic Principle: [leans back, laughing softly] Then you persist. The universe doesn’t do voids.
You’re stuck here, my friend.

Body: [through clenched teeth] I didn’t ask to exist.

Anthropic Principle: [grinning like a Cheshire cat] Oh, I know. That’s what makes it so funny.

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[The body collapses. It can ask no more questions. It seeks out a name instead]

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